Something I feel strongly about… nothing really comes to mind as of now, but I’m the kind of person who has an opinion about almost everything. I love to debate, yet somehow I can’t think of anything…

College.

• lose ten pounds.
• make a cover album.
• finally get a piano teacher.
• find a biddy.
• read more books.
• quit smoking.
• buy another pack.
• stop drinking so much coffee.
• actually do well in college.
• start a band.
• buy a MacBook Pro.
• be more confident.
• finish my current moleskine and buy a new one.
• develop the countless rolls of film I have rolling around in my room.
• forget about him.

• ignorance.
• pretentiousness.
• poor hygiene.

The last person who hurt me doesn’t even know he has. I don’t really want to talk about it, it gives me a headache just thinking about it. He’s just been ignoring me lately and not only do I have no idea why, but it really hurts. I miss our late night talks on facebook for hours on end. What happened?

1. I want to lose weight.
2. I wish I had better skin.
3. I wish my legs were longer.
4. I wish my posture wasn’t so hard to change.
5. I wish I didn’t have to like you.

I am single and ready to motherfucking mingle.

When I broke up with my boyfriend, it was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I missed being single, and I relished in it. I still enjoy being single, but a summer biddy would be nice. I just really need to get laid. Preferably by a certain someone, though that would never happen.

I guess the only thing that sucks about being single is that there’s no one to distract me from him.

The last person who texted me was Gabe, someone I would trust with my life. He’s one of the closest friends I have, and I can talk to him about literally everything and anything and nothing at all. He used to have a crush on me for the longest time, but even though I rejected him I cherished his friendship to much to push him away, and I’m glad I didn’t. We can have the most intellectual, heartfelt and deep conversations, but we can also goof off like the teenagers that we are. I know we’ll be friends for a very long time.

I’m not the thinnest person ever, but I’m not fat either. There are times when I know I look good and I get super confident, but at other times such as going to the beach, I get super self-conscious and I can’t have as much fun as could. My goal by the end of this summer is to go down a pants size or lose ten pounds.

• I like my hair.
• I like my small mouth and cupid’s bow.
• I like my smile.
• I think I have a nice singing voice.
• I like my taste in music.

1. Global History 3 + 4.

• taken: high school sophomore year
• teacher: Mr. Daniel Dorogusker
• reasons: I have a strange fascination with World War I + II and the Vietnam war, and those were a few of the major topics we covered. My teacher also loved what he taught, and that made the class really interesting.

2. Jazz Studies.

• taken: high school junior year
• teacher: Mr. Gary Fogel
• reasons: I love jazz music. I have to listen to it every day. I didn’t know much about jazz music, and ever since freshman year I waited until I was able to take this class. I learned so much, and discovered so many jazz musicians I never heard of before. It definitely deepened my love and appreciation for the genre. The class was so fun and chill, we’d just sit around in the recording studio (which is where our classroom was) and listened to records, and afterwards talked about what we liked, didn’t like, how it affected us, etc. Mr. Fogel is a jazz musician himself, and it was obvious he loved jazz more than anything else from how he talked about it, and we’d have great discussions about it.

3. Beginning Guitar

• taken: high school senior year
• teacher: Mr. John Hamilton
• reasons: I already knew how to play guitar, so I used this time to play whatever I wanted and it was amazing. Mr. Hamilton is one of the funniest, chillest guys I ever met and we’d have great conversations about all genres of music, and I really enjoyed my time in his class.

Dear #1,

you were the “love” of my 13-14 year old self. My first kiss. You were quite sloppy even though you supposedly had a lot of experience before me, and I could tell even though it was my first kiss. My favorite memory was of us hooking up in the movie theatre during a school trip. When we decided to break up via text message, I felt nothing. My life was not over, like I had thought it would be when couples break up. We stayed friends afterwards, and you even lent me your sweater from time to time. I think you still liked me but your friends didn’t want you to date me. You added me on facebook a few months and sent me a message, but my boyfriend at the time got really weirded out so I ignored it. From what I could tell from your profile picture, you were cuter than my boyfriend (I will forever have a soft spot for half-black guys because of you), but you were much cuter in the eighth grade. I think I’ll finally accept your friend request. We probably won’t speak to or see each other ever again, but I hope you’re not being stupid like running away from home again.

All my best,

Naoko

Dear #2,

I don’t know where to begin. You had a lot of my firsts. My first “serious” relationship, though I hate calling it that because our relationship was stupid. My first everything past first base. You were the first person I got high with, you were there when I bought my first pack of cigarettes. When I spent the night when I ran away from home at your house, and it was the first time I’ve ever slept over at a boy’s house. You had my first time, and I regret it so much. You were the worst boyfriend anyone could ask for, and it took me two-thirds of our relationship to realize it. I thought I was in love with you, but I never was. I was only in love with the idea of having a boyfriend who’s world revolved around me. You were so close to being obsessed with me. Like that time you called me 64 times in the span of two hours because I was upset with you and I didn’t want to speak to you. How you would get upset with me over the smallest things so I would spend time with you (you even admitted to that). How you never left me alone, took me home every single fucking day. How you never let me chill with my friends without you hanging on to me like a life support. How you got jealous over the stupidest things like my 8th grade boyfriend messaging me on facebook saying “hey I haven’t talked to you in so long! how are you?” (completely harmless.) How you started hating your friend because he and I are best friends and you thought I was cheating on you with him. You said I needed to stop smiling at guys so much, even if they’re my own friends. You are far from attractive, but I looked past that because I thought you were an amazing person, but I came to realize that you were even more ugly on the inside. Like they say, beauty is skin deep but ugly is to the bone. You tried to control me, and every time I got angry you cried like a little bitch. By the end I was sick of your face. The day I broke up with you was one of the happiest days of my life, and I think all of our friends could tell too. I cried that day, not from sadness, but from pure happiness and the feeling of being free from you. They were happy for me, and it seemed like they were only being really nice to you for your weed supply, and me. They now look down at you because of all the things you did and said between the time I broke up with you and now, and I doubt that many of them will bother to say in touch with you. You disgust me, I won’t divulge what disgusting things you have done, but it makes me want to vomit. I hate you. I’m so glad you’re going to school seven hours away from here so I never have to see or hear about or from you ever again. Get the fuck out of my life already. I fucking hate you so much, I can’t even look at your face anymore.

Fuck you,

Naoko

• I lost my virginity to a complete waste of space.
• I made some friends that I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life.
• I ran away from home for a day.
• I applied to college.
• I fell in love with someone I wasn’t supposed to.

There’s a limit to your love
Like a waterfall in slow motion
Like a map with no ocean
There’s a limit to your love

There’s a limit to your care
So carelessly there
Is it truth or dare
There’s a limit to your care

— Limit To Your Love, James Blake 

“Take some time out to take care of your own needs — you’ll have more energy than anyone else, and you should be able to handle chores and obligations with incredible speed.”

I did stay at home because I need to get better, and I do have a little more energy. I also cleaned my house all day, so I’d say this is pretty accurate. Kind of boring though.